Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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I am yelling
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.