[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
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I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
he chose this
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Ion see the issue
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive