“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Real House Wines.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.