my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.