me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids