Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery