Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
is it earth
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door