If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no