Just had my nails done!
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
taking June’s advice to heart
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.