Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox