A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
need a new bf mines broken 😐
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third