WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
True statement👍😏😁
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
fair
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.