remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
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I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol