Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My inexpensive home security system…
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Good boy 😂😂
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!