I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.