[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You Might Also Like
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Breaking news:
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!