Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
one last job
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭