Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Just a bush.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.