I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Facebook Twitter
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys