We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.