7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
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Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
B
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not