getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.