I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Bless you
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis