me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me My dog
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!