*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers