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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.