Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up