Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
This kid is going places
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
For those that worship cheese..
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.