I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay