murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Don’t we all.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.