my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
How do you like your Corgi?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.