Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
What’s a Messi?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.