superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.