Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Favourite diary entry ever
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Stop.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that