*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
You Might Also Like
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.