Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.