White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.