GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic