With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“you changed” bro i was 15
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]