The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
don’t we all
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
prepare for carbonated trouble
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
What the dentist sees
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.