Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
<—- homeless romantic
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”