why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour