“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
$4 #usedbooks
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard