Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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