vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny