i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
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Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents