I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..