me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.