ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
When he asks for feet pics
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .