driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.